Dingobait // the-raggedy-angel: thewhoreat-221b: ...

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thewhoreat-221b:

the-raggedy-angel:

thewhoreat-221b:

the-raggedy-angel:

thewhoreat-221b:

the-raggedy-angel:

thewhoreat-221b:

the-raggedy-angel:

savingcastiel:

that shirt looks like one of sam’s shirts and i can just see this happening

where they get him out of the hospital after he remembers and out of some kind of petulance dean won’t give him back his coat so he has to wear sam’s old clothes and they get in an argument over the trench coat and about other things too because dean won’t fucking listen when cas tries to apologise

and it culminates in this

oh god my feelings

But what about pants? No way Sam’s pants would fit Cas.

So he’s walking around in too big clothes like a lost puppy.

Holy shit this is worse than I thought.

sam’s shirts, dean’s pants, barefoot. and he’s so slight under all the clothes he used to wear and everything is way too big, yeah. everything about everything is awkward and clumsy and lopsided. his clothes, his friends, his mind.

;n;

And sometimes he doesn’t remember that things have changed so he tries to be an angel and do angel-things and then suddenly realizes that he can’t anymore.

Sometimes he gets up in Dean’s space, and then Dean just gives him a look and he remembers fucking everything.

He suggested that they call Bobby Singer once too.

Didn’t realize until that same look happened again.

because yes, he remembers, but he doesn’t remember everything. his memory is still a little jarred, still a little out-of-place, and though he’s insanely grateful to dean and sam for finding him and bringing him home and helping him remember, sometimes he hates being around them. dean, especially.

because dean remembers better than he can, and whenever cas forgets how things became between them, when he tries to touch dean’s shoulder or stares at him too long, dean gives him a look that says i haven’t forgiven you completely yet, and i am going to make you remember all the horrible things you did, and until you’re forgiven we are not the same as we used to be.

except there’s another thing that cas has forgotten, and that’s that dean called him family once, and his eyes aren’t saying that at all.

they’re saying, i haven’t forgiven you completely yet, and that’s why you can’t touch me—because i haven’t forgiven myself yet, either, and until we’re both clean, we are not the same as we used to be.

cas forgets a lot, and he’s forgotten that above all the winchesters are loyal to the people they love.

dean sees that, and it hurts like hell, but he doesn’t know how to fix it.

Dean wants to fix it though, Dean wants to fix it so bad. He wants things back the way they were. He just knows that it’s not to that point though, he doesn’t know what he wants from Cas. He doesn’t know how to ask.

And Cas sees Sam too. Cas sees Sam sometimes looking in a corner or making a gesture that doesn’t quite fit and Cas can’t figure out why; because Cas forgot that Sam was in the Pit. Cas forgot that he pulled him out and all he knows is that Sam is the one that’s forgiven him, despite all of that mess.

Whenever Sam’s helping Cas out with civilian life, he can feel Dean’s razor sharp gaze. Almost screaming at Sam to stop.

Because he doesn’t even know how to forgive Cas. And can’t stand not knowing.

he tries, obviously, and he’s sometimes tempted to ask sam how he’s done it, because he knows sam is further along the line of forgiving cas than he is, somehow. in a moment of drunkenness (cas coming home didn’t stop dean drinking, not by a long shot, nearly made it worse) dean screamed at sam and asked how the fuck can you forgive him so easily? and sam said, because he’s family, dean, no matter what he’s done, and we’re hypocrites if we begrudge him what he did for us.

but dean doesn’t get it, and he can’t wrap his mind around making things normal again.

cas is still enough of an angel to read that in dean’s dreams, and he wishes to god he could find a way to tell dean that it’s okay. that he did bad things even if he can’t recall them and that if dean never forgives him, that’s alright. he’s got sam’s half-absolution and he hopes that underneath the bitterness and the confusion that he still has dean’s love.

that’s one thing he hasn’t forgotten: how much he loves dean, and how much he loves sam. often cas wants nothing except to embrace them for as long as he can, but he never does.

he can’t remember if they’ll hold him in return.

He can’t remember because he doesn’t know if it’s happened before. Sam and Dean. He doesn’t even remember a time that wasn’t fighting, within each other or through outside forces.

He doesn’t remember how anything resolved, he really doesn’t. But he remembers the fights. And then he remembers his feelings, and he doesn’t know what to do with them.

Sometimes he wonders if there was anything good before The Incident. If it was just unrequited feelings to blank walls that he wasn’t even sure considered him a friend. Then or now.

one thing he does remember is how it felt to be an angel. emotionless, rule-driven, powerful.

part of him wants that back, the ability to feel nothing, to have no doubts, because then all this memory and un-memory would become meaningless, and it wouldn’t hurt so much to catch the spare glance of dean’s eyes with sadness in their corners, or to see the pain on sam’s face when he sees things that aren’t there.

the other part of him wouldn’t trade this heartbreak for the world.

he wants to go to dean and look him in the eyes, and for dean not to flinch away, and he wants to say, everything i have ever done, i have done for you, and if you can’t forgive me for that, then that’s alright. just know how much i love you, and how much i am sorry for the ways in which i’ve hurt you, and hurt sam, and try to find it in yourself to let me be ashamed in my own good time.

i don’t need your eyes to tell me how wrong i was.

but he’s afraid to, because he feels like an intruder, a parasite, a burden. and above even those he feels very small and he knows it would be kinder—impossible, but kinder—for him to simply disappear from their lives. he doesn’t want to see them hurt, and he knows that he hurts them.

when he says it out loud they both deny it, but he can’t believe them.

forgive and forget are a pair of words that don’t mean anything anymore.